Cladach Publishing presents:
FIRST TWO CHAPTERS of
LOVE REKINDLED
A Novel
by
Candi
Adermatt
CLADACH
Publishing
Love Rekindled : A Novel
Copyright © 2004 by Candice Adermatt
e-Book © 2011
Published by
CLADACH Publishing
Copy Editor: Hannah Lawton
Cover Design: Deanna Boveé
Cover Photo: Getty Images
ISBN 0-9670386-9-3
Library of Congress Control Number 2004106873
Dedicated with
love to my mother,
who
is also my friend.
1
___________
The Phone Call
In the oak-paneled suite, Ross Madison rose from his leather chair. With practiced grace he offered his arm to the white-haired lady seated in front of his desk. The woman’s stooped form made it difficult for her to maneuver, but, pulling herself to her feet, she juggled her wooden cane to her left hand so she could extend her right hand to Ross.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Madison.” A dignified smile graced her finely-wrinkled face. Her blue eyes twinkled. “It’s good to know my husband’s medical bills will be covered. If he wasn’t bedridden he’d come and thank you himself.”
Ross returned a warm smile and gently shook the small hand. “You’re very welcome.” He held the door open for her.
His elderly client retreated toward the exit, pausing again to speak courteously to the receptionist. Ross eased his office door closed and nodded approvingly to himself. He was pleased with the closure of this case. But there was little time for self-congratulation. As he was returning to his desk the phone buzzed. He answered before sitting down.
“Yes, Lana?”
“Mr. Madison,” his matronly secretary drawled, “I believe it’s your wife on the line.”
Ross’s eyebrows shot upward. My wife?
He hadn’t really thought of Tessa in that way for many years. He tried to recall the last time she had phoned him. For some time now he’d been thinking of calling her. But he sure hadn’t expected her to call him. In the past, if she’d needed to talk to him, she’d always asked one of the boys to call and talk with their father; then they would hand the phone to her.
So why is she calling now? What
could she want?
His secretary was waiting. “Thank you, Lana. Please put her through.” Ross walked round the desk, sank into the massive chair, and the call was transferred. “Tessa?” he ventured, but there was nothing to greet him but silence.
He was about to try again when a voice sobbed through the speaker.
“Tessa, what is it? What’s wrong?” he urged, feeling a tremor growing in his own voice.
Ross listened to her cry and tried to remain calm as he anticipated the message that Tessa must be struggling to deliver. “It’s all right, Tess. Breathe slowly. Take a moment to gather yourself.” He ran his hand through the thick waves of his brown hair and heard her taking in big gulps of air.
“It’s Jeremy!” she finally blurted out. “He—he has a tumor . . . a brain tumor!”
“How can that be?” he questioned. “Jeremy was just here two months ago, and he was fine.” His son had complained about headaches, but they didn’t seem that serious. “Tessa, he’s only fifteen years old, how can he possibly—”
“I know how old he is, Ross!” she shouted. “Do you think I would make up something like this?”
“But—”
“Ross, please. I don’t want to argue with you again. Here’s the doctor’s number. Call him yourself if you don’t believe me.” Between sniffles, she rattled off a phone number, and Ross pushed a few papers aside to find a pen.
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, Tessa, I just wonder—”
“Ross, will you stop cross-examining me! I just wanted to let you know. Call me back when you’ve talked with the doctor. I can’t handle talking to you right now.”
The phone clicked and the dial tone droned the end of the call. Stunned, he slowly lowered the phone to its carriage. It was uncharacteristic of Tessa to be short and upset. Could their son really be as ill as she described? Apparently Tessa believed it to be true. He covered his face with his hands momentarily before reaching for the phone again.
The doctor confirmed the diagnosis—a pituitary tumor, probably non-malignant, but at present, very invasive. It was pushing out the frontal lobe, threatening his son’s vision, interfering with sinus and nasal passages. The mass was entwined around the carotid arteries on both sides of the head. Surgery was necessary and imminent.
As the waning sunlight that had been shining through the skylight faded, darkness gradually enveloped him. Am I being punished for my errant past? But if so, why does Jeremy have to suffer? He loved his blond-haired son, so full of life and laughter. Jeremy could make a joke of anything. His visits always brought a bright ray of sunshine into Ross’s life. . . . How was Jeremy taking this?
“Ross, you idiot! Why have you hesitated so long?” the usually cool, composed lawyer growled to himself. He reached for the phone and punched in the familiar number. It rang several times, and Ross imagined Tessa was reluctant to answer, knowing it was probably him. As Ross waited for someone to pick up the phone, questions ran through his head. The biggest question and the most frightening one was, how would Tessa respond to him?
Finally, he heard the phone click. “Tess, I’m sorry,” he said before she could even say hello.
“Oh, Ross!” she cried. “Please, let’s not fight.”
Those words struck him as odd. Had they ever fought? Not really, Tessa had always yielded to his wishes. Gently he asked if Jeremy knew about his condition. She assured him that Jeremy seemed to accept the circumstances and that he had gone over to his friend’s house for the afternoon.
Tears stung Ross’s eyes. When he tried to speak, his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and began again. “Tessa,” he asked softly, “how are you?” The silence on the other end shouted out to him the pain Tessa was experiencing. How could she answer? Ross thought. She wasn’t accustomed to sharing her feelings with him. In fact, she wasn’t accustomed to his asking about her feelings. He decided to just come out and tell her:
“Tessa, I want to fly down and be with you and the boys.”
He heard her sniffle. He continued, “The doctor gave me the names of several specialists. I’ve already made some calls. I hope that’s all right with you.”
“Yes, of course. . . .” she said, her voice softening. “I have to admit it’s all so overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with everything myself. . . .”
“Well, it might be easier to bring the
whole thing together if I’m there in
“Tomorrow.” She sounded numb.
“Good. I’m glad he’ll be there with you. Is he all right?”
“He seemed to be when I talked to him. I know he’s worried about me. I hate to think of him driving all the way back here with this on his mind.”
“Todd will be fine. I’m going to call the airlines and make flight arrangements. I’ll let you know my plans.”
There was a pause. Then with a slight edge to her voice, Tessa asked, “Can you get away?”
How could she ask something like that? This was their child—what kind offather would he be if . . . Ross closed his eyes tightly. His track record in earlier years had not been good. He had put his own interests before those of his family on many occasions. That was one of the things that he had recently discovered, one ofthe things that for months now had been pressing him to call Tessa.
“There’s nothing more important than Jeremy right now,” he assured her.
Ross spent the next day contacting specialists and researching this type of tumor. He rearranged his appointments and made travel plans; then in the early evening, he called Tessa. His older son answered.
“Hello, Todd. I’m glad to know that you made it home safely.”
“Yeah,” Todd answered flatly.
Ross could easily picture the young man on the other end of the line, this nineteen-year-old who looked so much like Ross did twenty years ago: high cheek bones, strong jaw line, square chin, and light brown eyes. He was mild mannered, but at that moment he probably had a look of disdain on his face.
“Your mother really needs you right now.”
“Like you really care what she needs.”
Ross sighed. “Todd, I know what she doesn’t need right now, and that’s anything that’s going to upset her more. You and I need to talk when I get there.”
Todd started to answer, then just blurted, “Jeremy wants to talk to you.”
Ross swallowed hard. He heard the phone being given to his younger son.
“Hey, Dad,” came the cheerful voice. “Heard any good brain tumor jokes lately?”
Ross couldn’t help smiling. “No, Jeremy, but I’m sure you’ll be able to tell me a few good ones. How are you feeling, son?”
“Not bad. Still getting those head pains, but at least now I know what’s causing them.”
Ross recalled Jeremy’s Easter vacation visit, how he would suddenly put the heel of his hand to his eye and give a sharp yell. Jeremy had described it as a head pain that he got now and then; brief, but intense, that seemed to burst forth from his eye.
They talked for a few minutes and Ross found that his son was doing most of the encouraging. Then Jeremy’s voice grew serious.
“Dad, don’t pay any attention to Todd. He’s just being lame again.”
The last time Ross had been with Todd
was the customary month-long summer visit when he had flown the boys to
Jeremy’s cheerful voice jolted Ross back to the present. “Here’s Mom. I gotta go. Todd’s takin’ me to the movies, and he said I could drive his truck. Hey—you haven’t ridden with me yet, have you? Well, don’t worry. I can drive as good as Todd, even with my head full of mush!”
Ross heard Tessa telling the boys to be careful as she took the phone again. “Hi,” she said softly.
“Hi. Do you worry about Jeremy driving?”
She laughed guardedly. “Almost as much as I do about him having a brain tumor. I can’t believe he has his driving permit already. I’m really not looking forward to the time when he can drive by himself. . . .” Her last words trailed off to a whisper.
Ross wondered, What other issues has she worried about alone over the years?
“Tessa, I’m flying down there
tomorrow. I’ve made reservations at the Best Western in
“What time do you arrive?”
“I’ll get to John Wayne International
about
“Ross . . .” Tessa paused. “Would you like to come for dinner tomorrow night? Both of the boys will be here.”
He reflected for a moment, envisioning his former home. For family meals they used to regularly pass up the dining room, with its Ethan Allen furniture, for the large comfortable kitchen where Tessa most likely stood now as they spoke. Ross remembered his insistence that the boys were too young and too careless to be allowed to eat at the costly table that stood on the hand-woven English rug covering the hardwood floor of the dining area. He wondered where they ate their meals these days. . . .
She broke the silence. “Jeremy’d be excited to see you.”
“Tessa, I’m sure you know that Todd and I are not on very good terms right now. That’s the only reason I’m hesitating to accept your invitation.”
“Well, I know you want to see Jeremy, and dinner would at least have us all sitting down together. I’ll talk to Todd. I’m sure he’ll want to be considerate of his brother’s feelings right now.”
“In that case,” he finally answered, “I would like very much to come for dinner . . . if you feel it’s not intruding.”
Later,
Ross joined the other commuters leaving the city for the night and drove his
dark green Jaguar north across the
Ross retrieved his mail from the box, waited for the garage door to open, then parked inside. Lights set by timers brightened the lifeless house. He told himself that having lights on would discourage anyone from breaking in, but he had to admit that he liked the illusion that someone was there to greet him, that he was not really alone.
He tossed his keys on the kitchen counter and played the messages on his answering machine.
“Hi, Ross,” an enchanting female voice cooed, “it’s Gloria . . . as if you didn’t know! I realize you said you were making some lifestyle changes, but I just can’t believe that excludes me. Call me if you get lonely. I miss you.”
“Nothing important here,” he said aloud, flipping through his mail. “Or here,” he added, erasing the message before going to the refrigerator to peer inside, settling on a small carton of orange juice for now.
He crossed the living room and stepped
out onto the deck. The lush hillsides of
Suddenly, he felt a great need to be close to his family and thought of the photographs in the den. He had family pictures sitting out on the credenza, but he remembered another photo that he had tucked away in his desk drawer and now went to find it.
There was the photo, face down, under a file folder containing his current bank statement. He gently removed it and carried it to his favorite maroon leather recliner in the living room, dropped into the comforting chair, and stared at the photo. It was a picture that Jeremy had given him ofTessa and the boys in front of their Christmas tree five months ago. Obviously, Jeremy had thought nothing wrong with giving him a picture of his mother, but Gloria had been present when Ross had opened the letter containing the photograph, and she thought otherwise. She’d insisted he get rid ofit and they’d quarreled. He’d finally told her he’d throw it away, but he’d placed it instead in the desk drawer.
His thoughts returned to the phone conversation with Tessa earlier in the day. So many uncertainties awaited him . . . awaited them all. First there was Jeremy to consider. The surgery was certainly serious. His condition was not life-threatening at the moment, but there were many possible complications. Todd’s reaction to his father’s impending sojourn was predictable, and though Ross was not looking forward to the confrontation, he knew it was inevitable—and even necessary.
Then there was Tessa. The thought of being in close proximity to her both scared and excited him. They really hadn’t had any face to face contact for years. The four hundred-odd miles between them had been a buffer in their relationship. Over the course of the past ten years they each had grown accustomed to putting the boys on a plane to send them to the other parent.
He raked the fingers of both hands
through his hair before pushing back in the chair and elevating his feet. There
was so much he wanted to tell Tessa, needed to tell her. Why have I let so
much time pass? I should have called her. Why would she believe that I want to
be there for her now? Ross sighed. It isn’t just now that I want to be with
Tessa. But what approach should I take? I can’t expect her to just open her
arms wide and welcome me back.
Gently, he ran his fingers back and forth over the faces in the photograph and closed his eyes, imagining his own likeness there with them in front of the Christmas tree in what used to be his home.
2
___________
The Visit
At
Ross walked up the used-brick sidewalk to the ornate mahogany front door and rang the doorbell. Almost immediately the door opened.
“He’s here, Mom!” Jeremy yelled over his shoulder before engulfing his father in a mighty hug. It was the kind of welcome Ross wanted from all his family members, but he realized his younger son was going to be his strongest ally on this visit. He returned Jeremy’s embrace, momentarily closing his eyes, blocking out the storm ofemotion that rained over him.
Jeremy stepped back from his father. “It’s really cool you’re here, Dad.”
Ross tousled the boy’s hair. He looked over Jeremy’s head and his gaze fell on the woman who had been the bride of his youth. The sight ofher blonde hair, which had grown long again, transported him to another time. Tessa had retained her slim figure, and in the daisy print summer dress and sandals she looked younger than her forty years. His heart beat faster.
“Hello, Tessa.”
“Hi.” She came and stood next to Jeremy.
“You look good.” Ross would have liked to have thought of something more eloquent to say, but he felt uncharacteristically tongue-tied.
“Thanks,” she replied. “You’re looking well yourself.” She gathered her hair together with one hand to let it fall down her back. Ross had probably seen her do that a thousand times in the past, but it had never taken his breath away before.
“Is Todd home?” Ross glanced toward the living room. It had been redone in sage green and hues of rose. Other changes also reflected Tessa’s personal touch. Pictures of the boys with their baseball and soccer teams were framed like expensive works of art and graced the tables on either side of the sofa. It all felt very familiar and yet very strange.
“He’s at the Wheelers’ house,” she answered politely. “Dan arrived home from college today.”
“So, they’re still good friends?” He made small talk.
“Yes,” she answered, avoiding Ross’s eyes as she added, “they just always seem to pick right up; as if they haven’t been apart at all.”
“I’m afraid I’ve lost touch with the things that are happening in Todd’s life.” He answered absently, staring past them.
“Don’t worry about Todd,” Jeremy suggested. “He can be a major pain sometimes.”
“Hello, Father.” Todd’s entrance behind him caught Ross off guard. He turned to face his older son. “Todd, it’s good to see you.” He offered a handshake that Todd reluctantly returned with a limp hand, never making eye contact.
“Thanks,” Todd merely grunted.
Visibly upset with the exchange, Tessa walked over to touch Todd’s arm. In a soft, controlled voice she said, “Dinner is almost ready. Would you please come and carve the roast for me, Todd?”
“Sure, Mom,” he answered without hesitation, escaping confrontation.
She turned back to Ross and Jeremy. “You can join us in the kitchen.”
So they do still eat in the kitchen, Ross thought.
The four of them filed through the dining room and into the kitchen area. A tablecloth of delicate pastel flowers on a background of moss green covered the round oak table. The new china was creamy white with no other adornment. A border of pink and yellow flowers had been stenciled along the antique white walls and cupboards. The French doors beyond the table stood invitingly open to the patio on this mild June evening. The room had changed, but it still gave Ross a warm feeling.
“I like what you’ve done with the house,” he told Tessa.
She invited him to be seated in the same chair that had once been his place at the table. She smiled for the first time since his arrival. “Thanks. I’ve enjoyed doing the re-decorating, but it’s taken a while. Todd helped me a lot with the painting, though I think both boys would rather it were not so feminine.”
Todd gave his mother a barely-perceptible grin.
Jeremy piped in. “Yeah, I could sure do without all this flowery stuff. At least she lets me keep my room the way I like it.”
“Oh,” Todd teased, “and how is that—full of dirty clothes?”
Tessa smiled again, obviously enjoying her children’s youthful banter. Ross felt keenly that, although this used to be his home, he was very much a stranger at his own family’s table. Being present during this comfortable scene, though, awakened in him a dormant pleasure that took him by surprise.
Tessa asked Todd to say the blessing. He hesitated slightly, his eyes darting to Ross’s before he looked back at his mother with raised eyebrows. Ross felt some silent dialog passing between mother and son. Todd nodded in understanding, then he bowed his head to pray a brief, rather perfunctory prayer.
After the “amen,” Jeremy helped himself to the mashed potatoes, then handed the bowl off to Ross, asking, “How long are you going to be here, Dad?”
“Until Sunday morning,” Ross answered evenly. “I have an appointment tomorrow with the surgeon at UCLA. On Thursday I’m seeing another neurosurgeon for a second opinion. I picked up all your records from Dr. Anthony today.”
Jeremy looked glum at the mention of his health situation, but after a moment, his eyes lit up again. “Dad! You’ll be here for my ball game on Friday night . . . and Blue and White Day on Saturday.”
Ross looked at Tessa for her reaction to Jeremy’s implied invitation. She lowered her eyes.
“I wouldn’t expect Dad to be there,” Todd commented. “I’m sure he’ll be too busy running around.”
Jeremy ignored his brother’s words, but seemed to pick up on the fact that he should probably consult his mother. “Would it be okay, Mom?”
Ross cringed inwardly; Tessa was obviously startled and embarrassed at Todd’s words, and now Jeremy was making it difficult for her to express what she really might feel about his involvement in the family’s activities. It was a moment before she answered, and then Ross was surprised that she spoke directly to him.
“It’s fine if you want to take Jeremy.”
Does she think I wouldn’t want her to go along, or would she rather not be with me? Ross wondered. “I’d like very much to go with you, Tessa.”
Todd loudly cleared his throat and Ross knew his son was warning him off.
Undaunted or unaware, Jeremy declared, “Cool!”
Ross took a sip of water, avoiding all eyes but Jeremy’s. “What’s Blue and White Day?” he asked.
“It’s really fun, Dad. It’s kind of like an Olympic thing with track and field events. The whole school is involved. All the kids, parents, teachers and staff people, like janitors and cafeteria workers, are all divided into two teams,” Jeremy explained. “It’s really fair, ’cause each team gets the same number of adults and kids from every grade . . .”
Ross’s mind wandered to the time several years ago when Tessa had approached him about helping pay the boys’ tuition to a Christian school. He had refused. He’d told her that he didn’t feel responsible to pay for a one-sided view of the world for which he had little regard. Somehow she had managed to pay for their tuition without his assistance.
Ross pulled his thoughts back to what his son was saying.
“. . . They even make sure that there’s an even number of guys and girls on each side. And they give handicaps like in golf. The little kids get, like, a certain number of points before they even start their event. That way everything’s equal.”
Ross nodded. “Sounds fair. How about you, Todd? Are you going?”
Todd seemed uncertain how to answer. “I’d planned on it.”
“Good,” Ross said. “It will be a chance for us to all do something together.” Then changing the subject, he turned toward Tessa. “How are your parents?”
“Good. . . . Actually, Todd sees more of them than I do. ASU is only 30 minutes from their house.”
“Yeah,” Todd agreed. “Grandma’s always good for a dinner whenever I want.”
Ross smiled. “I’m sure they enjoy having you nearby. . . . I don’t suppose they see their other grandchildren very often.”
“No, but they do seem to enjoy their retirement; they love the desert,” Tessa said.
Jeremy cut a piece of roast beef. “Yeah, Dad, you should see Grandpa’s cool metal detector. He has all this prospecting stuff. He looks like some kind of mountain man when he has all his gear on.”
Ross smiled. “Really? Is this a new hobby of his?”
Tessa nodded. “They like to go gem hunting whenever the weather allows.”
“Grandpa really gets into it,” Todd explained matter-of-factly. “He’s got topographical maps of the whole area and he reads all these stories about lost treasures.” Todd chuckled. “He’s really pretty entertaining.”
“That’s great,” Ross noted, glad to see Todd let his guard down a little. “You know, my mom and her husband are thinking of moving to the desert, too. . . . Palm Springs actually.”
“We know,” Tessa and the boys answered simultaneously, and Tessa looked sheepishly at Ross.
He looked away from her, staring down at his plate. “You probably talk to her more than I do.”
“Your mom has always been good about keeping in touch,” she replied softly.
Ross glanced at both of the boys before he answered her. “My mom still feels you were the daughter she never had.”
He began to feel even more like a dinner guest. How very disconnected he had become.
Jeremy kept the dinner table conversation lively for the remainder of the evening.
Tessa began to visibly relax, at least enough to join in the conversation. As she served dessert—dishes of hot apple cobbler—Ross’s gaze became fixed on the simple gold band on the third finger of her left hand. It was the best he could afford when they got married. After he had gained some success as an attorney and could easily have afforded to buy her a diamond, it never occurred to him to do so. Yet, for all he had put her through, here she was still wearing that symbol of their young love.
Just as they finished eating, the doorbell rang.
“That’s probably Dan.” Todd pushed
back his chair and stood. “We’re going over to
Tessa blinked her eyes open wide, seemingly disturbed at Todd’s departure.
“L.B.?” Ross asked.
“Little brother,” she explained.
“Ah. I see.”
“Yeah,” Jeremy added, “he can call me that now, but Mom says I’m taller than Todd was at fifteen. I’m hopin’ I can call him L.B. someday. That would be righteous!”
Both parents smiled. Feeling a little more comfortable, Ross settled back in his chair.
Jeremy grabbed his father’s arm and looked at his wristwatch. He jumped up from his chair. “Wow! I didn’t know it was so late. I’m supposed to be at Scott’s. His dad’s gonna drop us off for the youth group meeting at church tonight,” he explained to Ross. “Maybe you could pick us up when it’s over, Dad.”
“I’d be glad to,” Ross responded and then quickly realized he was going to be left alone with Tessa. So that’s why she seemed disturbed at Todd’s departure.
“Great! Thanks, Dad. See you later, Mom.” Jeremy left.
Tessa busied herself with clearing the table. Ross picked up a few dishes and followed her to the sink. She gave a surprised look when he handed them to her.
“Thanks,” she said shyly, then turned to rinse the dishes.
“Do you often get left alone?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I suppose. With Todd away at school and Jeremy’s activities at church and school, it’s unavoidable.”
He watched her finish loading the dishwasher. “Has Todd declared a major yet? The last time I really spoke with him he was undecided.”
“As a matter of fact, he has,” she said with forced lightness. “He’s majoring in political science and minoring in communication. . . . He thinks he might study law.”
Ross raised his eyebrows. This was a revelation.
“He’s very much like you, you know,” she said.
Ross tilted his head to one side, very interested to hear her reasoning.
She didn’t look at him, but kept busy wiping the counters. “Todd has a good command of language and expresses himself well. He’s always rooting for the underdog. The only times he got into trouble at school was when he’d stick up for the kids that he believed couldn’t defend themselves or who he thought were being treated unfairly.”
He gave a small smile. “I’m surprised he would consider pursuing a profession even remotely related to mine.”
She dried her hands and turned to face him. “I’ve encouraged him to do so.”
Ross took a deep breath. “Tessa, I think we need to talk about some things.”
“What things?”
He paused briefly. Here we go. This is what you wanted, Ross. You’ve waited months to make this speech, and it should have been said years ago.
He cleared his throat and began tentatively. “You’ve done a fine job in raising the boys. I certainly can’t take any of the credit for how well they’re turning out. I also want you to know I admire you for getting your real estate license. I understand from Jeremy that you are quite successful.”
She lifted her chin a little higher. “I didn’t have a lot of choices. The hours in the real estate business are fairly flexible. It’s not ideal, but I’m able to blend that with my role as a single mom.”
Ross felt she grew sad as she said this. They were silent for a moment. He thought he should say something, but then Tessa continued.
“I never had any training to do anything else. I worked in a department store while you finished school, remember?”
He nodded. “Of course I remember, and I’ve always felt that was very unfair to you. You should have been able to pursue your dreams as well.”
She shook her head. “You still don’t understand, Ross.”
With eyebrows raised, he waited for her to explain.
“I was already living my dream.” She looked to the side.
“You never wanted to be anything more than just a housewife?” he asked in disbelief.
Tessa turned toward him. “Why would I want to do anything more?”
“I just thought maybe you would want to have a career after the boys were both in school.”
“Jeremy was only five years old, for goodness’ sake!” she said with a raised voice.
“It’s just that you are obviously capable ofso much more.” He thought he was being complimentary.
Tessa averted her eyes and stared beyond his face. “As capable as the other women you found so attractive?”
Ross felt the slap as sharply as if she had actually struck him. He blinked once hard before looking away. “I didn’t leave you for another woman.” Even as he spoke the words, he realized that they sounded absurd.
“So, leaving me to be alone was preferable to staying with me?” Her voice fell to barely more than a whisper.
“That’s not what I mean.” Ross desperately wished he could start the conversation over. “It never was about you, Tess,” he tried to explain. “It was about me. It was about marrying too young and not experiencing enough of life.” He cringed, feeling he was digging a hole for himself and might soon fall into it. Determined to keep trying, though, Ross moved a hand to her shoulder to turn her attention back to him. The sadness that filled her blue eyes blended with weariness. “This is hard on you, Jeremy’s illness, isn’t it?”
“Do you want to know the truth, Ross?” She did not wait for his answer. Moving away, she spoke with her back to him. “The call came from the doctor while I was at the office. He said that the sinus X-ray showed strong evidence of a large brain tumor and that Jeremy must have an MRI done immediately to make sure. As I was driving home, dreading what the future might hold and how I was to tell my baby boy that he might be seriously ill, I began to think I might lose this precious child. I wondered: how would I ever deal with that?”
Tears shown in Tessa’s eyes as she turned back and fixed an intense gaze at her husband. “And then I realized, no matter what happened to Jeremy, I would always have wonderful memories from which to draw comfort.” She drew a step closer to Ross. “But, you—you stripped me of all the wonderful memories of our marriage. You left me with nothing to bring any comfort. Yes, Jeremy’s illness has been hard on me, Ross, but I have already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to me.”
Ross took a deep breath and stared hard at the floor. Conversation always came easily for him; he was generally clever with words, thinking fast on his feet. His job depended on it. Now he felt hopelessly at a loss for how to express himself. “I never . . . meant to hurt you, Tessa,” he stumbled in a strained voice.
“No?”
He looked into her eyes but was unable to form any words.
“And, how was it that you thought I wouldn’t be hurt? Was I just supposed to accept that my husband no longer cared for me and our children? Oh, I remember your words. ‘I know I don’t feel as I should toward you and the boys. You deserve better.’ Clearly true, Ross, but what was I supposed to do with that? How did you think that was not going to hurt?” Her eyes grew wide with the recollection.
Ross shook his head. “I don’t know, Tessa. It was some sort of early mid-life crisis or something.”
Her incredulity took form in her words. “For ten years . . . and how many other women?”
“They never meant anything,” he said honestly, but he knew it was little consolation.
“And that makes it all right?”
“No.” Ross sighed “Of course it doesn’t make it all right. I know that I’ve hurt you badly. I’m very sorry for that. Believe me, if there were some way to make it up to you, I would do it.” He felt his heart had stopped beating as he said, “I’m sure you must hate me for what I’ve done.” He waited agonizingly for her response.
Tessa moved past him to the living room and sat in a wingback chair upholstered in a soft rose pattern. He followed mutely and stood looking down at her.
“If only I could have hated you.” She had a far away look in her eyes. “It would have made everything so much easier.”
He fell to one knee and took one of her hands and held it between both of his. “Tessa, I can only imagine how it must have been for you.”
“No, Ross! You can’t imagine. You have no idea at all.” She pulled her hand away. “I was hurt because I loved you. I loved our marriage and the family that we created together.” A single tear spilled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away. “You can’t know what it was like, because you didn’t love me.”
“Tess, I did love you,” he said hoarsely.
“Don’t say that!” she cried. “It only makes it worse.”
Ross took a deep breath and let it out very slowly.
Tessa’s voice was raspy when she spoke
again. He knew she was fighting back tears. “I probably cried myself to sleep
every night for a solid year. So many thoughts would deny me sleep. I don’t
know how much more I could have taken if you hadn’t moved to
He shook his head, beginning to realize Tessa’s pain. He tried once more to explain. “I thought I had somehow missed out on something. . . .” His voice softened to a near whisper. “But I have never loved anyone else.”
“You couldn’t have done that to someone you loved,” she said flatly.
“It may have been some kind of twisted love, Tess, but it was the only love I was capable of at the time.” This was harder than he had expected. Hearing himself say these words, Ross felt a deeper self-contempt than he’d ever known before.
Then Tessa stared directly into his eyes. “So you never found whatever it was you thought you were looking for?”
He felt his jaw tighten as he swallowed any remaining self regard. Very slowly he said, “I found that I had it all along.”
She blinked back tears, but he knew she was resolved to disbelief. He took her hand once again. “Tessa, I have no right to ask for any consideration.”
She looked away from him and tried to free her hand, but he held it firmly in his grasp like a drowning man.
“Ross, please don’t.”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve that. . . . I don’t deserve anything.”
Tears ran down her face. Ross wiped her cheeks with one hand, wishing he could wipe away the memories. He rose to his feet. “Tess, I was so wrong.”
She wept. Overcome with regret and sorrow, and wanting more than anything at that moment to make things right and to reassure this good woman whom he had hurt so deeply, Ross reached down and pulled her gently to her feet, wrapping his arms around her. He only held her for a moment, unsure whether she would receive his embrace. Neither of them heard the front door open.
“What’s going on?” Todd bellowed, stepping into the living room.
Ross pulled away. Tessa lifted her head, blinking tearful, swollen eyes.
“What are you doing, Dad?” Todd shouted, starting toward his mother.
Ross steeled himself against his son’s disdain, and Tessa seemed on the verge of crying again.
“Please excuse me,” she managed to say, then retreated up the stairs.
“Mom!” Todd called after her.
“Let her go, Todd.” Ross grasped his son’s arm. “You and I need to talk and clear up some things between us.”
“Are you going to strong arm me, big man?” Todd glared eye to eye with his father.
“Let’s not get carried away. We need to set some things straight.” Ross glanced toward the stairs. “You don’t want to upset your mother more, do you?”
From between clenched teeth, Todd snapped, “Let go of my arm!”
His father released him, briefly held up both hands, and pointed toward the door. “Can we go outside, please?”
When Todd kept his feet firmly planted, Ross continued his appeal. “Let’s walk down to the park and let your mom have a little space and time to herself.” At that, Todd reluctantly moved to the door.
A tense silence prevailed as the pair walked to a small city park at the end of the street. The fresh salt air helped clear Ross’s mind and he gradually felt his own emotions come back under control. He led the way to a picnic table flanked by eucalyptus trees.
Todd dropped down on the bench with his back to the table and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Then I’ll do the talking.” Ross sat next to him and leaned forward. He clasped his hands together, his arms resting on his legs. “Todd, I know I’ve told you this before, but what happened between your mother and me had nothing to do with you and Jeremy.”
“I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not stupid. You left us!”
“It wasn’t you I left,” Ross tried to explain.
“That’s such a load of garbage. You deserted us and you know it.”
Ross sat up and turned toward his son. “It may have seemed that way at the time, but I didn’t move away for over a year. I took you every weekend and one night during the week.”
“Right. You and whatever girlfriend you had at the time,” Todd sneered, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
“I know I haven’t been a model father.”
“You haven’t been a father at all!” Todd shouted, turning angrily toward Ross. “You made a conscious decision to take yourself out of our lives and lost any claim you had to be my father.”
Ross hung his head. “I didn’t fully understand the implication of what I was doing.”
“That won’t cut it anymore, Dad. Now that I’m older I’ve been able to look at this whole thing from a different angle. I’ve even tried to put myself in your place.” Todd looked over his father’s head into the twilight sky. “Okay, I married too young. I never got to be young and wild. I was cheated. So, now that I have a wife and two sons and responsibilities, now must be the time to go ahead and go for it. I’ll just walk away from all of them.” He looked back at his father sullenly. “Is that about the way it was?”
Ross closed his eyes tightly and nodded before returning his son’s gaze. “Yes, Todd, that’s pretty much the way it was.” This conversation was developing even worse than his conversation with Tessa.
“Well, then it stinks to be me. I was only ten years old at the time, but I remember. Mom cried constantly. She tried not to in front of us, but I heard her at night. You really hurt her.” Angry tears filled his eyes. “I’ll never forgive you for that.”
Ross looked away from him. “I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for that.”
“Why didn’t you just leave her alone?” Todd was trying to talk and choke back tears at the same time. “You’ve kept her under your thumb all these years.”
“Todd, that’s not true.”
“Yes it is! You didn’t divorce her, and you knew she would never ask for a divorce. She believes divorce is wrong. You could at least make her free. If she wasn’t married anymore, she might be able to find somebody else who would appreciate her, who wouldn’t use her the way you have.”
Ross swallowed hard as he considered the truth of his son’s words. A few moments of silence passed. “You’re exactly right, Todd. In a way, I guess I have used her. I didn’t need a divorce to do what I did, and as long as I was still legally married, I couldn’t be pressured to make a commitment to anyone else.”
Todd gave a short, mirthless laugh. “You know, you really are a lucky guy. I mean, how did Mom ever marry a jerk like you? I could never do that to my family.”
“I’m glad to know you’ll be a better man than I am.”
His son seemed not to hear.
“I’ve realized my mistakes, Todd.”
“Yeah, right.”
Ross ignored the rebuff. “I certainly don’t deserve any compassion, and I won’t offer any more excuses for what I’ve done. There really is no excuse for what I’ve put you all through.”
Todd shifted his weight on the bench. “You’ve got that right.”
“There’s no way to undo the pain that I’ve caused, but I can try to prevent it from going any further.”
Todd’s tone changed. “You’ll give her a divorce?”
Ross let out a long sigh. “Do you think that’s what she wants?”
“You know she doesn’t, even though that’s what’s best for her.”
“Then what can I do?” Ross asked sincerely, sitting up and straightening his shoulders.
“As if you would do anything I say.”
“I’m asking you, Todd; man to man. You know your mother as well as I do, perhaps better. What can I do for her at this point?”
Todd looked at him warily. “Is this some kind of a trick?”
Ross exhaled sharply. “For all the things I’ve done, Todd, I’ve never lied to you or anyone else that I’m aware of.”
“No, you’ve always been brutally honest.” Todd returned his father’s gaze.
“In that case, let me tell you this. . . .” Ross paused before he delivered his next statement. “Todd, I want to be as supportive as I can be for your mother.”
Todd folded his arms again and looked away. “And as soon as Jeremy’s out of the woods you’ll be gone again.” He looked back at his father. “Do you want to kill her? Look at how you made her cry the first time you were alone with her. Why not just leave now and save her from going through the pain all over again?”
“I will leave when she asks me to and not before.”
Ross’s words got his son’s attention, and Todd turned toward him as if trying to grasp their meaning. “Just what are you saying?”
“What I’ve been doing a very bad job of telling you is that I want to be reconciled with your mother.”
“What?” Todd wailed. “You can’t be serious!”
Ross remained calm on the surface, but inside he was tied in knots. “I’ve never been more serious.”
Todd jumped to his feet. “Why are you doing this now? What if this hadn’t happened with Jeremy?”
Ross shook his head. “Todd, I’m going to tell you something in confidence, and when I’ve finished, if you want me to leave, I will.” He watched his son plant his feet wide apart on the grass, cross his arms in front of his chest, and tilt his head to one side, his jaw tight.
Ross took a deep breath then opened his heart to his son. “About eighteen months ago I had a case that involved another attorney. It was a corporate case, but he shared his personal life and I came to know him quite well. He was a Christian and his story was so similar to mine, it was almost eerie. The significant difference was that he had divorced his wife, and by the time he realized his mistakes, she was remarried.
“He never colored his infidelity but called it what it was. His regret had a major impact on me. I had felt empty for a very long time, and after talking to him, I immediately became aware of my wrongdoing. . . . In fact, I’ve been going to . . . counseling for a while now.
“I’ve picked up the phone countless times to call your mother, but I never got up the courage. And then, I let so much time pass that it felt awkward, and I wondered if she would even believe me.” He choked out his next words. “I was sure she would reject me.”
Todd seemed deep in thought. Finally, as if thinking out loud, he spoke. “That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?”
Ross nodded. “Yes.” His voice became raspy. “And it’s made me realize some of the pain that I’ve put her through.”
“What do you want from me?” Todd’s voice was free of its earlier harshness.
“Probably more than you’re able to give, but I’d settle for a truce for the time being.”
Todd sat down again beside his father. His breathing was very shallow. “I don’t want to see her hurt again.”
“Neither do I.” Out of the corner of his eye Ross saw his son move a hand to his face and knew that he was wiping away tears. He closed his eyes tightly and said, “I’m so sorry, Todd. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He turned and placed his hand on his son’s shoulder.
A few minutes passed before Todd could compose himself, but he finally sat up straight. Staring into space he asked, “Why was Mom crying?”
“I told her that I had been wrong; that I knew I had hurt her and that I didn’t deserve her forgiveness.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
“I have to find out if there’s any chance she’ll forgive me. I’d like that to come about as naturally as possible.”
“This all seems a bit hard to swallow.”
“I know, Todd. I just need you to trust me—”
“Don’t push it,” Todd replied, a touch of sarcasm returning.
Ross briefly looked up at the darkening sky then stood and faced his son. “I know it may seem too late, but I’m trying to do the right thing.” He offered his hand.
Todd nodded his agreement and stood to shake his father’s hand. “I’m not sure it’s going to work. You’ve got a lot to prove.”
As they began the trek home, Todd surprised him with a memory. “You know, I think I remember the last time I was at this park with you.”
Ross said nothing, waiting for him to continue.
“We were all down here; you and me, Jeremy and Mom. You had bought us kids new kites. Jeremy was pretty little, and his kite almost got away. You had to run and catch the stick attached to the kite string.”
“I remember,” Ross chuckled. “I kept one hand on the stick after that, which didn’t make Jeremy very happy. He wanted to be a big boy like his brother and handle it all by himself.”
“We did have some good times,” Todd admitted.
“Yeah,” Ross agreed, hoping the future would hold many more.
More about Love Rekindled and to order:
http://www.cladach.com/Love-Rekindled.html